Autonomous Sexuality
Table of Contents
After years of contemplation, deliberation, and remaining a kissless, handholdless virgin, I have developed absolutely no useful strategies in pair-bonding. However, I have recently come up with something that I'm calling "autonomous sexuality", in which all the functions of a typical romantic and/or sexual relationship1 can be approximated by products or services freely available on the market, and through which one can create something that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike an actual relationship without having to interact with another human in any form deeper than an economic transaction.
Autonomous sexuality is not to be confused with sexual autonomy2 or autosexuality3, and this piece is not to be confused with one advancing, denigrating, or otherwise casting judgment on autonomous sexuality as a concept. Rather, I am crystallizing my thoughts and hopefully creating a useful descriptor for future conversations4.
This topic is most relevant to Zoomers, since they appear to be engaging with autonomous sexuality to the furthest extent5, though it is worth noting that it was set in motion by Millenials at latest and has existed6 in some form or another throughout most of the civilized era.
1. Relationships: An Overview
The easiest way to demonstrate this idea is to break down the idea of a relationship into its constituent parts, then demonstrate how all can be covered by some product or another. An astute reader will point out that this doesn't work, since a good relationship is greater than the sum of its parts. This is true, but I'll get into it later.
1.1. Effective Communication
Or rather, the mutual understanding that effective communication facilitates. This one doesn't strictly have a product associated with, because one usually understands one's own goals, and friction only occurs when they don't mesh with one's partners. However, it can certainly be argued that self-help and therapy serve as methods to help one better understand oneself, so I'm putting them in here as an option.
1.2. Trust
Trust is one of the advantages that autonomous sexuality has over traditional relationships: you don't have to build it. So long as one trusts oneself and one's economic counterparties, there is really no opportunity for betrayal to occur, so trust becomes a non-factor.
1.3. Respect
Same as trust. This might be countered with the notion of self-respect; however, a lack of self-respect in a traditional relationship can often manifest itself as a lack of respect for one in one's partner.
1.4. Quality Time
This is really where we start to get into the seductiveness of autnomous sexuality and how it is becoming the default trajectory within Zoomerdom. If one has no relationship counterparty8, all one's free time becomes quality time, without having to make any sacrifices!
In popular culture, contentions over how much quality time couples spend together and how that time is to be spent is one of the main causes of relational strife9 , 10. By removing the second person, one creates an environment where they have no external constraints on their behavior11.
This is the first aspect where not having to make sacrifices (the main theme of autonomous sexuality) comes into play, and it will not be the last.
1.5. Independence & Space
Independence is another aspect that requires no sacrifices for the autonomously sexual. As before, all time is one's own, and one is not bound by the expectations of one's partner in the use of that time12.
1.6. Conflict Resolution
Like trust and respect, it becomes unnecessary13, because there is no one to have a conflict with.
1.7. Intimacy
This one is the real hum-dinger, and a major part of why autonomous sexuality has not been widespread before. Anyone who has had sex before will tell you that there is no real substitute for it, and the general romantic environment of a relationship has not been able to be replicated either, for the determined masturbator.
Until now.
The trick to autonomous sexuality is that it can only really exist among those who have never tasted the real thing, which is why it is so common among Zoomers. In relationships, Zoomers primarily operate on the symbolic level because they have yet to experience the real; as children in Little Tikes cars mimic the appearance of an adult driving a proper car, so too do Zoomers mimic the reality of sexual relationships without engaging in them14. All the weird concepts and slang ("situationships" spring to mind) are downstream of that.
As a result, intimacy-related satisficing can occur. Masturbation, naturally covers actual release15, but things like going to the gym cover the broader symbolic16 and nonsexual-but-physical aspects that masturbation cannot17 , 18.
1.7.1. Aside: Muscle Mommies
Muscle mommies19 are a hot topic not only on PornHub but also on social criticism sites like Xitter and Substack, and many20 find their popularity confusing or enraging. Explanations tend to focus on a fear of sexual imposition resulting in men making themselves appear submissive to avoid retaliation from the so-called "longhouse", or a general uptick in alternative sexuality among the younger generation.
However, to me, the explanation is much simpler: it's association and conditioning. One goes to the gym to let out sexual energy, sees muscular women while doing so, and, after some time, begins to associate that release with muscular women, which creates attraction21. Badda bing, badda boom.
The history aligns with me here; muscular women have always been some form of fetish, but that fetish was sparsely distributed and shared with actual submissive men; as the popularity of gymgoing rose in conjunction with sites like 4chan's / fit / and Reddit, the occurence rate increased to the levels now observed.
1.7.2. End Aside
However, one might raise the question of emotional intimacy, the lack of which has fueled depressives and phone-sex lines for decades. Surely, this has yet to be handled? And while those in the know may think I am now going to reach for sites like character.ai and LLM waifu finetuning threads on / g /, I'm about to surprise you all by stating that this aspect has been handled for over half a decade, independent of LLMs and OnlyFans.
In fact, this piece of the puzzle is covered by things like ASMR girlfriend roleplays, which provide the viewer with an experience that appears to be similar to interacting with a romantic partner22, and can be enough to stave off the nagging thoughts that appear unbidden in one's mind late at night.
Chatbots and suchlike don't hurt, of course, and their popularity is soaring; they are lkely to disrupt the ASMR voice actor economy as audio and video generation improves23, but it's already in the mainstream and isn't going away.
2. Analysis
I lied, I am going to cast judgment
True, and now the rest of the requirements sheet is filled out. Eternal singledom is viable, marriage doesn't matter, let's fucking go.
Or is it?
As I said before, a good relationship is more than the sum of its parts; being able to replace or approximate all the parts does not necessarily result in something that fully substitutes the whole.
And we find that it doesn't, if dating discourse is anything to go by. There is something instinctual that finds autonomous sexuality to be inadequate, even if the conscious mind wishes for it to be a full replacement24. Note what I said before: "the trick to autonomous sexuality is that it can only really exist among those who have never tasted the real thing." It is wholly inadequate for life satisfaction, and its position as a default lifepath seems to be advancing by the day.
Why? Any number of reasons. You know, no matter how much you try to repress it, that this isn't the real deal. There is no agentic counterparty; there are no surprises25, there is no support. You are your own island and no one is coming to save you.
As this mode of behavior advances with the Zoomers, so do its causes. Zoomer cultural interaction norms, while based in solid foundations26, don't help with incentivizing connection and pushing people into experiences that remove their ability to satisfice with autonomous sexuality. The continued degradation of trust in society doesn't help either, nor does the continued broadcast of the message that no one should ever have to make sacrifices or tradeoffs.
So here's what I ask of you, the reader: first, internalize that this is a real thing, that is happening. This is not a few lonely saddos spending all their time on the computer, this is the lowest-friction method of satisfying basic biological compulsions only demonstrated to be inadequate. Second, expunge it fom your own life; recall that there is more out there than the relational equivalent of Pringles and Pepsi, and that, despite the risks you may have to take to attain it, it's one hundred percent worth it. Third, try to nudge others away from it. If you're a parent, allow for social interaction. If you're a non-parent, enable social interaction in your friend groups. If you have no friends27, go and make some; nature always takes its course, if you let it.
Footnotes:
More broadly: marriage
A person's control over their sexual choices
Begin sexually attracted to onself
No doubt this paragraph will be completely ignored and one hundred million ideologically opposed groups will slide into my Xitter DMs to shout at me. Such is life.
Guess how I know
Or has had people wish it existed
All available resources breaking down the concept of a relationship go over the same points, just at different levels of granularity. Seven is the magic number, so I'm going with that.
I.e., a partner
E.g., choosing what to eat, what movie to watch, what game to play; girls nights out, golfing with the boys, to play or not to play video games, and so on
Though its IRL impact is outside my purview, since perception is the only thing that matters here.
Except those imposed by law, obviously
This overlaps with some of the issues raised in footnote 9
Or at least a battle between the id, ego, and superego of a single person
The reasons for this are varied and contentious; some blame it on the hippies and "free love", some blame it on pubescence during the MeToo and post-MeToo era as both real and false sexual assault charges took the limelight to strike terror into the hearts of women and men respectively, some blame it on phones, and some see it as an immutable characteristic of the new generation. This is not the place to discuss why, as it suffices to note that it happens.
And masturbation's increase in quality as of late is certainly something to be studied, but I won't get into it.
I.e., shown on TV
Why should be self-evident
This point is supported by the general popularity of gym-going among Zoomers and sexless Millenials; not only do you improve your datability, but you get some of the release that a solo orgasm cannot provide.
Muscular women
Especially older conservative straight men
This is also why the arc of pornography bends towards futa.
How well this works depends on the skill of the scriptwriter and voice actor with respect to immersion and audience participation.
No more immersion breakage until you run out of credits
This is why MGTOW et al always seem bitter, even if they say they aren't
Maybe this changes with LLMs, if people start hooking them to their bank accounts.
The Golden Rule, funnily enough
Like me